Open Mic Night - First Bit #2

Alright folks. So I listen to a lot of podcasts that are sponsored by Athletic Greens.

And you all knew that as soon as I stepped on stage.

But yeah, I get a lot of my, like, diet and exercise information from podcasts. Because growing up, we didn’t have access to that stuff. I just believed whatever I saw on TV: commercials and ads.

Like I believed the Subway commercials. So during lunch in high school, I’d go get a footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub. And then an hour later, I’d be passing out in class thinking, “I guess I didn’t get enough sleep last night.” When in actuality I just ate a thousand calories of just straight bread and I’m crashing from all the carbs.

So yeah, Jared lied to me. Jared lied to all of us, folks. And that’s the worst thing he ever did.

No, yeah, they, uh, Subway tried to clean up its image after the whole Jared debacle. So they got, like, Steph Curry and Simone Biles on commercials now.

But, I kinda wish they went back to the “Bad Guy” spokesperson. Like, I know the perfect guy for it to—it’s Drake.

Because think about it. After that viral video of him leaked out, we all know he’s packing a footlong. Right? And, like Jared, he’s a Certified Lover Boy, Certified Pedophile.